Saying 'Christmas gift' when you walk into the home of a relative on Christmas, by the way, is a Southern thing. The first person who says it gets the first gift. Today I thought I'd talk about five things I wish I had the gall to buy and give away as Christmas presents.
Apparently putting dead rodents on hats is all the rage. I'll take the one with the moose, please. Better yet, I can just make the moose head a hat.
#2) Luncheon loaf. Nothing says 'I couldn't think of anything to get you, so I got you fake Spam' like 3 for $1 luncheon loaf from the dollar store. It also says, 'I'm not terribly fond of you', only a little less subtly. But it's practical, right? Why worry about whether a relative you're not fond of is going like the tie you bought him when you can get him lunch meat?
#4) For the artistic person in your family, you'll want to try absinthe mints. You've seen the jolly fat man, why not take on the Green Fairy too? Or if you're going to be around a lot of relatives you're hate you can simple tell them to kiss your @$$ with cat butt gum.
#5) And last, but never least if you really want to freak out your hypochondriac family member, you can get him this: The Manual of Things That Might Kill You. Just remember to give it to the relative who lives far, far away and change your phone number because you don't want to have to listen to him worry about imaginary maladies. You were just trying to be helpful with that thoughtful gift.
Happy Friday, kids!