Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Why I'm In Love With The Three Musketeers (But not D'Artagnon, because I suspect that might be cradle-robbing)

Because it has AIRSHIPS! Yes, I just yelled that. I saw a trailer for The Three Musketeers when we went to see Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. There were no airships in that trailer. I would have remembered something like that! If someone had told me there were airships in TTM, I would've dragged my husband to go see it. How did this information get by me?

If I had hated every single minute of this movie, I still would have loved it for its steampunkedness. But as a matter of fact, I loved almost every minute of it, even before I knew about the airships. And who is that hottie playing Aramis? Where did Luke Evans come from? And why wasn't he given more face time?

I'm sure you're all familiar with the basic story of TTM. I read it many, many moons ago when I was a bored teenager on summer vacation. I. Can't. Tell. You. A. Single. Detail. From. The. Novel. Sorry. Um, let's just say I wasn't very impressed. I only vaguely remember the Disney movie based on the novel. I saw the beginning about 700 times, but I don't think I ever saw the end (it was quite popular in high school and the students had a knack for turning the classrooms into movie theaters instead of actually learning. I know, awesome, right?)

This movie was so far off base from what I remember. It starts with the Musketeers breaking into Leonardo da Vinci's vault to steal the plans for warships. Warships that are airship! OMG! They also have the very flexible Milady with them. She must secretly be from an alternative universe because she has some serious Matrix-like moves. She claims to love Athos, but she betrays him to Buckingham, who (stupidly) doesn't kill them when he steals the plans. Seriously, these guys sat on their butts instead of plotting revenge for a whole year? What is that?

Enter the young D'Artagnon. I looked it up and I'm right, he's is kind of young. Not jailbait young, so at least he has that going for him. I feel bad for him because that wig is really awful. Getting back to the plot, he's trained with his father, who was a Musketeer. He sets off to join the Musketeers in the king's court, only to have his horse insulted by the Cardinal's guard. He want to duel the captain, who just shoots him instead and prepares to kill him, but Milady happens along and stops the killing. Which is completely out of character for her. I guess the excuse they used was that they were in a hurry, but I'm pretty sure stabbing someone wouldn't take the time it took to have that conversation. So we see D'Artagnon ride off to Paris where he runs into the Musketeers, only to tick off them off and challenge them to duels as well. As they're going to start the first duel (with Athos having the honor), the Cardinal's guard rides up and surrounds them. D'Artagnon, being a little hot head, attacks. The battle wages and in the end, the four of them have kicked the butts of 40 guards. D'Artagnon starts flirting with a girl who we later learn is one of the Ladies in Waiting for Queen Anne.

The Musketeers invite D'Artagnon to stay with them. They are summoned by the king for punishment because they kicked ass. Fortunately for them, the king is a bit of dummy and instead of being angry that they caused such a ruckus, he actually rewards them with new suits of clothes which they are to wear when the Lord of Buckingham comes to visit the next day. The Cardinal starts to protest, but the queen steps in and tells him that the king doesn't need his help.

Then we get to the airships! Buckingham arrives in one. It's obviously a machine built for destruction. As France and England are on the verge of war because of France's oblivious boy-king, they're supposed to be meeting to bring peace, but obviously the Cardinal and Buckingham don't want that. The Cardinal and Milady, working as a double agent, set up a plot to make it look like Anne and Buckingham are having an affair. Milady steals a diamond necklace the king gave to Anne on their anniversary. Then the king discovers forged letters that make it obvious Buckingham and Anne are in love. She supposedly gave away the necklace as a token of her affection for him. The Cardinal suggests to prove if it's true or not, the king should throw a ball and have the queen wear the necklace. If she doesn't have it, then she gave it to Buckingham.

The lady in waiting that D'Artagnon was flirting with goes to him and pleads for him to get the necklace back because it's five days until the ball. She persuades him with a kiss. Porthos and Aramis are like, hell, yeah, let's get the necklace, but Athos is a bit harder to convince. He finally agrees. Milady is back with Buckingham, telling him step-by-step how the Muskateers will come in to get the necklace.

However, they know that she's going to tell Buckingham how they've worked before and devise another plan with D'Artagnon as a distraction. They steal the airship (though we don't know how because they don't show the Musketeers doing it), shoot up Buckingham's office and start the journey back to France. I forgot to mention in there that Milady runs away with the diamonds, but they capture her and haul her carriage into the airship. It looks like Athos is going to shoot her, but she jumps from the airship into the English Channel. It seems as if our heroes will get back to the palace in time to present the queen with her jewels,but, oh, no! The Cardinal's captain has a bigger, meaner war-airship and he comes after them. Come to find out, he's captured the lady in waiting and wants to exchange her for the necklace, to which D'Artagnon agrees. There's a terrific battle between the two and it looks like the Musketeers will be blown out of the sky, but . . . oh, wait. I don't give the end of the movie away, do I? Except it looks like there might be a sequel, oh, I hope so! The thing I hated most about this movie: Orlando Bloom's manscara. Manscara just freaks me out all the way around. Let's pretend like that little phase never happened.


They just touched on all sorts of steampunkery in this movie from the costume to the ships to the weapons and gadgetry. It was like a dream come true, set in the 17th century, which I'll admit isn't something I'd seen before.

Wow. Airships. I love it. Although I imagine Mr. Dumas is spinning in his grave. Ah, speculative fiction, screwing with literature and history and generally helping civilization collapse on itself. What would we do without it?

Also, now that I have your attention, I would also like to direct you to the trailer for The Treasure Hunter's Lady. Check it out.

2 comments:

  1. OMG--did you see that airship??? A real airship--just like in Treasure Hunter's Lady--AHHHHH.

    I so have to see this movie--I love TTM's
    And your review of it makes me need to see it even more!

    AND, your book trailer freaking rocks!

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  2. It was a great movie. I would totally rent and watch it again because it was so funny and the airships!

    Thanks about the trailer. I'm sort of working on one for SPW now too.

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