I wanted to release The Sky Pirate's Wife in June originally. I wanted to do it before my birthday. I was able to recognize and console myself that that was never going to happen. There were too many kinks that needed worked out and then I got involved in some other things (not gangs or drugs or alcohol) that required more time than I ever could have imagined.
And on top of that, I've been dealing with an issue about whether or not by self-publishing I've actually achieved something. I thought I had, but someone said something and now it's eating at me like a starving dog with a bone. I also feel like a schmuck for not defending myself. I let people walk all over me because it's easier than fighting. But I felt about two inches tall and honestly, I'm not feeling much taller now.
I thought that throwing myself into editing SPW would grab me up out of this dark hole I dug for myself. I thought that I'd be able to dedicate lots of time to it and I'd have another book under my belt, something worth being proud of, but I might as well be standing still because I'm not close enough. If I take what I have now and call it good then I'm lying to myself and to everyone else.
In horse racing (which I used to love to follow), pulling out of a race before it starts is called scratching. That's what I'm doing today after giving it a lot of thought and viewing all possible outcomes. No sense in running that horse into the ground. I don't like admitting it. I feel like a huge failure because I was excited about putting it out. Now I'm feeling not so excited to the point of I'm thinking about going to bed and maybe coming out next summer.
|Did you say cheesecake? Still not coming out.|