Friday, June 15, 2012

Scratch

I hate posting when I feel like 7 kinds of dog shit stomped on by an elephant, eaten by a tiger, crapped out again in a swamp where a giant mutant alligator swallowed me and then vomited me back up to feed its nest of tiny gatorlings only to have them reject me and the big gator to deposit my remains where they were sure to be consumed by foxfire, but I have a couple of things I need to say.

I wanted to release The Sky Pirate's Wife in June originally. I wanted to do it before my birthday. I was able to recognize and console myself that that was never going to happen. There were too many kinks that needed worked out and then I got involved in some other things (not gangs or drugs or alcohol) that required more time than I ever could have imagined.

And on top of that, I've been dealing with an issue about whether or not by self-publishing I've actually achieved something. I thought I had, but someone said something and now it's eating at me like a starving dog with a bone. I also feel like a schmuck for not defending myself. I let people walk all over me because it's easier than fighting. But I felt about two inches tall and honestly, I'm not feeling much taller now.

I thought that throwing myself into editing SPW would grab me up out of this dark hole I dug for myself. I thought that I'd be able to dedicate lots of time to it and I'd have another book under my belt, something worth being proud of, but I might as well be standing still because I'm not close enough. If I take what I have now and call it good then I'm lying to myself and to everyone else.

In horse racing (which I used to love to follow), pulling out of a race before it starts is called scratching. That's what I'm doing today after giving it a lot of thought and viewing all possible outcomes. No sense in running that horse into the ground. I don't like admitting it. I feel like a huge failure because I was excited about putting it out. Now I'm feeling not so excited to the point of I'm thinking about going to bed and maybe coming out next summer.

Did you say cheesecake? Still not coming out.

6 comments:

  1. I don't know who dashed your dreams, but don't let them. You've done a great job with THL (more than I've done with Beyond the Horizon). I know you've put a lot of work into the Weta contest and you probably feel drained. But maybe hanging out at the conference with all of us smart people will get you fired up again. And you'll see the fruits of your labor didn't go to waste.

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  2. Whoever made you feel like shit about yourself and your decision is seriously going to feel my boot so far up their ass they'll be able to see what colour toenail polish I'm wearing.
    THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ANOTHER PERSON TO TRY A DROWN ANOTHER'S HOPES AND DREAMS.

    I'm not sure what this person said or did, but I'm guessing they made you feel that you wasted your time by self pubbing--that self pubbing is looked upon as the lowest form of publishing...Grrrrrr, don't let this person win!!!!!!

    If you feel that SPW isn't ready just yet, then so be it. You are the BOSS of your career.
    Also, I don't think the summer are the greatest months to publish anything anyway. I'd wait for the fall--and back to school.

    Now if you want to wait, then start getting chapter crits to help with edits and stuff. And you know I am always there to help where I can.

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  3. I need to have a Come to Jesus meeting with the JackHole who stomped on your dreams! While everyone is indeed entitled to their opinion, that doesn't make them right. You've worked way too hard and come to far to give up now! Plus, I won't let you. You're entirely too talented to just scratch.

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  4. I'm agreeing with these ladies! Don't let something someone said hold you back and don't let people walk over you. You have to learn to believe in yourself enough not to let a-holes step over you. Unfortunately, you are the only one who can control that. I mean, I guess you could have your friends threaten to rough them up and stuff, just saying. But, if you know you wrote a good story, then stick with that, babycakes. You know the quality of your work better than anyone. Don't let one person ruin what tons of others might think is fantastic. Keep you chin up, chicklette!!

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  5. Okay! I have been DYING to post this all day but my stupid, stupid iPhone would not cooperate!

    Name NAMES! Cause it looks like we got enough here for a hangin' posse to me.

    I cry bullshit. Your books are awesome. I hope whoever said whatever to you sees this post and the comments 'cause that person sucks.

    Light the torches...we're going hunting.

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  6. Allison, I feel your pain, I just posted on my blog the decision I made to self-publish, go for it. Persevere, remember your gut feelings on your talents!

    http://robinmurphyauthor.com/robinmurphyauthor/?p=237

    Robin :)

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