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Those Crazy Things Running Through My Head

There are always a couple of times when I'm writing a novel that I want to write something really ridiculous. Like the time in The Treasure Hunter's Lady when Abel is face-to-face with Uktena and you know some bad shit is about to go down. For some reason I always pictured this giant serpent as flamboyant. I kept picturing 'the making of' with Uktena sitting in one of those director chairs on a set, wearing a sparkly scarf and a beanie. It would be talking about this scene:

Without warning, Uktena struck. On sheer instinct, Abel slashed the knife across the Serpent's nose. Uktena drew back with a hiss, shock registering in its all-too-human eyes. Tarry black blood welled from the gash. A horrible rumble came from the Serpent's throat. It shook its head, causing droplets to splatter Abel and the ground. 

But if this scene were an outtake in a very artistic serpent's POV, it would go something like this (time to use your imagination): 

Sidney: This was a difficult role for me. I know snakes are almost always portrayed as evil, but I'm such a nice guy. At one point while Cam (author's note: I picture Cam Gigandet in Abel's role) was jabbing the magic knife at my face, I blurted out, "Oh! Kitty's got claws!" It was often hard to stay in character. Cam and Rachael are just a riot to work with! But those horns! Those were a make up nightmare! I had to go in early every day just to let Miguel put them on me and get the effects right.

Okay, stop using your imagination. Obviously a snake with as much charm as Sidney there wouldn't have fit the role of The Horned Serpent very well. 

In one of the scenes from The Sky Pirate's Wife, it went a little something like this: 

Is it just me or does she look happy
and  he looks a little bit frightened?
The front of her dress was open and she didn't even know how he'd done it. The lacy white top of her chemise was exposed, the barest hint of cleavage showing. He peeled the dress down her arms, over her hips, and let it slide to the floor. A man of many talents, he freed her from the corset she detested and tossed it away. 

But I wanted to write something silly and totally inappropriate for the scene. Something like: "Is that a banana in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" Or: His massive man tool sprang free of his confining trousers like a proud stallion from the barn doors. Or: Her curves were as winding as the road built by a drunk man on a buffalo. Writing sex scenes makes me want to flood the pages with purple prose. Mostly because it's funnier than actually writing a sex scene. 

Thank God I have a brain censor. Fortunately for everyone who's reading the books, they don't have to be baffled by the author's sudden moments of insanity. When I get old, I'll probably be senile and talk about the time I interviewed that snake in the sparkly scarf. The nursing home attendants will just smile and nod.


  1. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, your imagination rocks! Seriously.
    I love how you see Uktena!

    1. It kind of ruins the effect of big, bad scary snake when you think about it, but I just always imagined it that way. Yup, I'm nuts.


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