I'm not normal. In case you were ever mistakenly under the impression that I am. We should clear that up.
I'm not normal because sometimes I stand in the shower and cry for no good reason. I cry when I should be happy. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's more like I'm confused about what I want. On one hand, I have the fantastic (by which I mean fantasy, not awesome) L&L series waiting to make its appearance on e-readers, and eventually in print, everywhere. I'm in control. I decide release dates, covers, promotions, all the good stuff. I like being in charge, even though sometimes I'm not very good at it.
On the other hand, with the series nearly at an end (geez, 2014 is 46 weeks away), I don't know what I want anymore. I finished The Convict & the Cattleman with the intention of subbing it to publishers. Unless all else fails and it can join the line with the others.
You know how long it's been since I queried anything? Two years. I've forgotten how to write a query letter. The synopsis I have for C&C is way different than the book. It won't take much to correct it, but . . . all that seems so long ago.
It feels weird--and slightly uncomfortable--to think I'm going to send this MS off into someone else's inbox to be poked, prodded, and probably rejected. It's weirder still to think it might stand a chance. I'm not going to dwell on that. Sorry, I'm neither pessimist or optimist. I'm the poor schmuck who's worried that the glass is neither half-full or half-empty, but cracked, leaking all over the place, and soon to be completely empty. Does that make me an uber-pessimist? I bet they make a pill for that.
I want to submit C&C, and in fact, intend to next week. For all the trouble it gave me and the fat margin of hate I sometimes feel for it, it's not a bad story. It's about redemption, love, and accepting others for what's inside instead of on the surface. But I'm caught in this vortex of what-the-hell-am-I-going-to-do once I finish book 5. There are ideas, perfectly pursueable ideas, which would be fun to entertain. Lists of character names, plot ideas. A whole big, scary world that isn't wrapped in the crazy steampunkery I've surrounded myself with since 2009. And that is nerve-wracking. I can't think of any ideas for historical romances that I can improve on. Maybe I've been reading too much YA fiction and can't wrap my mind around historical right now. I'm afraid to start a paranormal historical, because what's to set it apart from the L&Ls except the airships? Do I want to divide my time between trying to be an indie author and a traditionally published author? There are plenty of authors who'll tell you it's possible.
I could be one of those authors if I could get the devils off my shoulders. Anyone got a BB gun and a hankering to play William Tell?