I go through phases where one day I'm certain I'm a romance writing rockstar and other days I know for a cold, hard fact I'm a hack. Pen monkeys are delicate creatures, you know.
I'm 10k from accomplishing my Jano goal. I have six days left to write that 10k and I'm doubting my abilities today. I wanted 10k to wrap it up, but I'm really sure that's not going to happen. My trouble lies here-in: the hero has lied twice to the heroine. He did it #1 because she was about to be taken for everything she had by a bad guy. By lying about his identity, the hero was able to protect her holdings and make her believe they're married. He admitted he lied, but then he told her another lie that still included part of the first lie. So he's been pretty dishonest.
If I know one thing about people, I know they hate liars. I actually know more than one thing about people, because I love psychology--to my parents' dismay, but I think it makes me a better writer. So I know that making the hero sympathetic is damn near impossible, even if he had a good reason for lying. Getting the heroine to forgive him is even more difficult. Because I'm such a pantser, I'm having trouble seeing the light at the end of this tunnel.
On one hand, I'm thinking, just get it written and I can deal with the mess in the aftermath. On the other, I worry that it's so tangled and just a bunch of words that repeat because I'm pantsing that it isn't going to be the sort of story that can be untangled. Doubts lead to fears, fears lead to outright panic and to cope, what does my brain do but come up with a new! improved! story that's totally different and guaranteed to make me forget all about this catastrophe and we can hide that beneath the bed and pretend it doesn't exist.
This is what it's like to be a writer, folks. It's all fun and mind games. Also, I might have read a review that left me a little bit shaky and wondering why I write at all. *headdesk*
I started writing this novel in April. Of last year. It's time to get it finished once and for all. It's been too long sitting around waiting for me to do something. I need this finish. Even if it's awful. Even if it's the worst thing I've ever written. Even if it kills me, I need it in order to overcome some demons. Demons that are no doubt at the root of my problem. I'm finishing this book, even if it's not rockstar quality. But probably not this month. I'll get as close as I can to my goal. I'll do my damnedest.